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#1726 2012-11-08 03:21:39

TallPoppy
Quite Tall
From: Auckland, New Zealand
Registered: 2008-02-05
Posts: 454
Height: 6'1/2"

Re: Jokes

Dude.

... Yeah okay I guess that's pretty accurate.

"Bad News" Bob wrote:

I asked my friend from New Zealand how many sexual partners he's had. 
-
He started counting and fell asleep.

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#1727 2012-11-09 10:18:10

goodgod
Tall
From: Brisbane, Australia
Registered: 2010-11-13
Posts: 228
Height: 6'10 1/2", 209.5cm

Re: Jokes

Haha, it would have hurt more coming from an Australian. You're lucky i've been busy wink

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#1728 2012-11-09 19:36:23

TallPoppy
Quite Tall
From: Auckland, New Zealand
Registered: 2008-02-05
Posts: 454
Height: 6'1/2"

Re: Jokes

goodgod wrote:

Haha, it would have hurt more coming from an Australian. You're lucky i've been busy wink

smile Thank goodness.

Last edited by TallPoppy (2012-11-09 19:36:41)

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#1729 2012-11-24 15:26:40

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.


Sooner

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#1730 2012-11-28 03:04:24

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?
-
When She fits in your wife's clothes.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1731 2012-12-05 17:29:49

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German ... are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
-
“Yes.”
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“Oui.”
-
“Sí.”
-
“Ja.”


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1732 2012-12-20 19:05:18

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.  A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.  I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.


Sooner

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#1733 2012-12-30 17:24:48

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet
to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to
her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior
of the child, decides not to give importance to what he
said and then continues the lesson . . . . "

And you, Susie?...........................................

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"


Sooner

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#1734 2013-01-21 13:23:01

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

The children were gathered on the front pew one Sunday morning for the Children's Sermon.
The minister asked, "Does anyone know what the Resurrection is?"
-
One little boy blurted out, "I'm not quite sure, but I do know from watching television, that if
you have a resurrection that lasts longer than four hours, you have to see a doctor."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1735 2013-01-23 18:20:43

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very, how do I say this politely,.... hefty women talking at the bar.
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Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
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One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
-
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1736 2013-01-23 23:56:37

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

The Bathtub Test
-
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Care Home?"
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"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
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"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
-
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1737 2013-03-02 21:26:01

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

Engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my  dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 
The  mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,  " What's for dinner,  Zorro?"


Sooner

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#1738 2013-03-06 15:57:59

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

The Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got
any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He
drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. 
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden,
the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of
the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,
he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'


Sooner

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#1739 2013-03-06 18:24:07

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."


A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"


A married couple played golf together everyday.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball"

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went." -- Kris E. Wilson


Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."



Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?" -- Tom Bach


A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

So God says, "Watch this."

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"


Sooner

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#1740 2013-03-26 12:47:31

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A statistic professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
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"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
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"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
-
"Then why did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
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"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - but not so high as to give peace of mind on a flight."
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"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
-
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I feel much safer..."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1741 2013-03-26 17:51:01

jheri
Extremely Tall
From: København, Danmark
Registered: 2010-02-05
Posts: 1,558
Height: 190 cm

Re: Jokes

rule of thumb

If your extended thumb is too small to block the view of the hazmat incident, you're not far enough away.

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#1742 2013-03-26 18:49:14

Sooner
Vertically Gifted
From: Tulsa, OK
Registered: 2005-10-23
Posts: 2,408
Height: 5'11"
Website

Re: Jokes

Very true. Had to look up Hazmat incident:)


Sooner

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#1743 2013-04-10 15:11:45

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
-
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
-
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
-
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
-
"Yep. What's your third question?"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1744 2013-06-03 20:51:55

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, (betcha can’t guess who is cooter) Ronnie and Donnie.  As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
-
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'  Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Bud.
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Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
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'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
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'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
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'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
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She said, 'You must be mistaken.  I'm not a widow.'
-
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1745 2013-06-04 04:09:53

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

So the Oklahoma city basketball team is looking to change their name, they have an open press conference to take suggestions. One guy suggests the Oklahoma City Bombers.
-
Every gasps and mutters about how disrespectful and insensitive that is.
-
He says 'What's the matter? The New York Jets didn't change their name!'


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1746 2013-06-14 05:02:52

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

The New Bull
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
-
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
-
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
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Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
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Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 3,300 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
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First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
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Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
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They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
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First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
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Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#1747 2013-06-18 22:41:17

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Why don't blind people skydive?
-
Because it scares the $hit out of their dogs.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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