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#51 2004-03-31 05:30:09

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "SERVICE".  -The act of doing things for others. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service - Postal Service - Telephone Service - Civil Service - Public Service - Customer Service and Service stations.  I became confused about the word "SERVICE". This is not what I thought "SERVICE" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "SERVICE" a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I finally understand what all those "SERVICE" agencies are doing to us. wink


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#52 2004-04-11 06:46:11

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS NUTS!

Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."

Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"

Can't stop washing his paws.

Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.

Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."

Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.

Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.

He's hippity-hopped up on crack.

Keeps rubbing his own feet for good luck.

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#53 2004-04-11 15:16:04

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS NUTS!

Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."

Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"

Can't stop washing his paws.

Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone....

Oh!

[size=14]My![/size]

[size=21]God![/size]


[size=14]I'm the Easter Bunny!!!![/size]

tongue  big_smile  lol

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#54 2004-04-12 04:06:29

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Toffeechip, you have an intriguing sense of humor. I love it! Keep the jokes coming.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#55 2004-04-17 19:25:13

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Lawyers
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Distrurbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man,"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "you and your family come with us also."
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place: the grass is almost a foot high!"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#56 2004-04-18 06:32:10

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"[size=14]I thought you were trying to bring her back.[/size]"

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#57 2004-04-23 17:11:54

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEENAGER IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for: "Driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

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#58 2004-04-27 06:17:26

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden in there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

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#59 2004-04-28 00:51:04

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

I joined a health club last year; spent $600. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#60 2004-04-28 23:32:43

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

"Bad News" Bob,Apr 27 2004, 06:51 PM wrote:

I joined a health club last year; spent $600. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Why do you have to go there. Can't you mail them a check?  :blink:

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#61 2004-04-29 14:57:42

allenp412
Quite Tall
From: Boca Raton, Florida
Registered: 2003-09-03
Posts: 453
Height: 6'8"
Website

Re: Jokes

QUOTE ("Bad News" Bob @ Apr 27 2004, 06:51 PM)
I joined a health club last year; spent $600. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 


Why do you have to go there. Can't you mail them a check?


lol  lol  lol  lol


I think I need a shrink....er.....need to shrink!

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#62 2004-04-30 21:52:43

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son 


    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  One was driving and the other two were in the back.  The driver got out.  He rolled down the window and swam to safery.  The other 2 drowned.  They couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time.  Nothing much happened.  If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#63 2004-04-30 21:54:14

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.
When he asked, the man said, ''I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight.''

The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.

''Well I'll tell you,'' replied the man, ''If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack I'll give them both to you.''


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#64 2004-05-03 01:35:28

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear John,
               I can no longer continue our relationship.The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I've cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you.
                                                                     Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, John included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

    There were 57 photos in that envelope..along with this note:

Dear Becky,
           I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care.
John.

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#65 2004-05-03 14:21:34

MsBoyd
Very Tall
From: Boston, MA
Registered: 2003-09-27
Posts: 740
Height: 5'11"

Re: Jokes

I can't remember the name of the comic who made this one up, but I heard it on "Premium Blend" on Comedy Central.

Korean-American stand-up comic gets hassled by his traditional dad, who can't understand why his son didn't choose a "real" career like doctor, lawyer, etc.  His dad constantly tells him "You not 'a funny!"

"You think you funny?  I tell you joke!  Why did chicken cross the road?"

"Why, dad?"

" 'Cuz your jokes was on his side!"   tongue


"Don't touch me!  I don't know where you've been!" -- Basil Fawlty

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#66 2004-05-04 01:51:12

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

A horse walked into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#67 2004-05-04 01:53:24

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

John Kerry walked into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#68 2004-05-04 01:55:56

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

Here's one for any little kids you might run across:

Where do insects go to the bathroom?
The BP station.


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#69 2004-05-04 02:06:21

MsBoyd
Very Tall
From: Boston, MA
Registered: 2003-09-27
Posts: 740
Height: 5'11"

Re: Jokes

BadKarma,May 3 2004, 09:55 PM wrote:

Where do insects go to the bathroom?
The BP station.


Uh....

I don't get it.   sad    :blink:    :unsure:


"Don't touch me!  I don't know where you've been!" -- Basil Fawlty

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#70 2004-05-05 00:06:28

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

British Petroleum used to have a bunch of gas stations, at least in the northwest, and rather than call them British Petroleum, they called them BP. I just realized that all of the old BP stations have been re-named. The punch line is the bee (as in insect) pee (as in go to the bathroom) or, BP. Man, I'm turning into an old fart.


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#71 2004-05-05 03:25:02

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

BadKarma,May 5 2004, 12:06 AM wrote:

I just realized that all of the old BP stations have been re-named.


We have some BP stations here in Tennessee   smile

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#72 2004-05-05 04:53:30

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

I'm sure the bugs can all breathe a sigh of relief! roll


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#73 2004-05-05 21:20:35

skyhigh
Very Tall
Registered: 2003-11-13
Posts: 715
Height: 6'7
Website

Re: Jokes

BadKarma,May 4 2004, 07:06 PM wrote:

Man, I'm turning into an old fart.


Turning???  tongue  tongue  tongue


Blessed

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#74 2004-05-08 20:37:33

BadKarma
Extremely Tall
From: Oregon
Registered: 2003-10-31
Posts: 1,428
Height: 6'6"
Website

Re: Jokes

Q: How many doors does a chicken coupe have?
A: Two. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.


I'm so much cooler online.
Brad Paisley

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#75 2004-05-22 16:47:06

David68
Guest

Re: Jokes

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says 'But I can explain dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your left over pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'  :huh:  :ph34r:

 

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