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#26 2003-09-26 22:35:57

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

ToffeeCHip,

That was kind of strange. I'm not sure why I was laughing.  tongue

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#27 2003-09-28 23:32:03

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.

"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

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#28 2003-10-01 01:47:22

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing naked in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says;"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then in a soft voice; "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#29 2003-10-24 22:22:46

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery." yikes


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#30 2003-10-24 22:44:39

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A farmer was sitting on his poarch one day when a young man drives up and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" said the farmer.
"Oh yes" said the young man, "I have a degree in agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree from Texas A&M so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.
Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir' yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek"
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you." wink


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#31 2003-10-24 23:14:33

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.  Now here are the rules from the male side.  These are our rules!  Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
     See a doctor.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1.  If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probable are.  Don't ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin  is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  It it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,  Shotgun News, or monster trucks.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1.  I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1.  Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that...it's like camping. B)


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#32 2003-10-25 20:50:34

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A man and a woman are in a restuarant. A woman at the next table says; "I think your husband just slide under the table."

"No," said the woman, "my husband just walked in the front door." yikes


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#33 2003-10-25 21:04:40

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A man asks his wife, of many years, what she wants for her birthday.
"A DIVORCE" she answered without hesitation.
"I hadn't planned on spending that much," he said. <_<


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#34 2003-10-26 14:03:45

Xena 2000
Quite Tall
From: wherever it was you last left
Registered: 2003-07-04
Posts: 458
Website

Re: Jokes

Bob, you should be on TV  lol  lol  lol  lol  lol


[size=9][font=papyrus]I can't decide if life is passing me by, or trying to run me down ...[/font][/size]

http://www.sloganizer.net/en/image,Xena-spc-2000,white,pink.png

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#35 2003-10-26 16:50:51

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Cop When Your Pulled Over

10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me... You wimp!
5. Come on write the ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

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#36 2003-10-27 05:07:14

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

This link is so off the wall, I had to put it here. I'm sure you will agree!

http://www.missionhillpersians.com/shaving.htm

Instructions for shaving a cat's nose

I came across it at linkswarm.com


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#37 2003-10-27 13:23:23

Sarah63
Guest

Re: Jokes

lol

 

#38 2003-10-27 23:27:30

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

"Bad News" Bob,Oct 27 2003, 12:07 AM wrote:

This link is so off the wall, I had to put it here. I'm sure you will agree!

http://www.missionhillpersians.com/shaving.htm

Instructions for shaving a cat's nose

I came across it at linkswarm.com


What nose?  :huh:

Let's slap a little Aqua Velva on there.  :blink:

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#39 2003-11-01 06:39:52

shimajiro
Tall
From: Tokyo
Registered: 2003-10-18
Posts: 66
Height: 6'1"
Website

Re: Jokes

Newspaper Headlines

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

BUSH WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

GOLF MAGAZINE:  HELP STOP CHILD ABUSE BY SHOOTING A HOLE IN ONE!

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#40 2003-11-02 18:38:12

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

Things to do on an Elevator


- When there's only one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
- Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock, smile, and go back for more.
- Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
- Drop a pen, wait until someone reaches to pick it up, then scream, "THAT'S MINE!!"
- Lay down a ‘Twister' mat and ask people if they want to play.
- Leave a box in the corner.  When someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
- Ask, "Did you feel that?"
- Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
- When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic.  They open up again."
- Swat at flies that don't exist.
- Call out, "Group hug!" then enforce it.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
- Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of them!" and back away slowly
- Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to passengers
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

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#41 2003-11-02 19:55:52

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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#42 2003-11-04 05:41:34

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best.

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe, but the exam demanded a fourth answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.
He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#43 2003-11-05 14:08:14

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table. She didn't miss them until after they had been
driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the
aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy
old man.  He fussed and complained and scolded his wife
relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided
her, the more agitated he became.  He just wouldn't let up one
minute.

They finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of
the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat too."

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#44 2003-11-05 14:10:10

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the
street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
today. You must park..........." and the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, with a worried look on her face she
says,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all of us men
who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?".

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#45 2003-11-05 17:50:28

Ant
Member
From: Italy
Registered: 2003-08-22
Posts: 26
Height: 6'3"

Re: Jokes

Ritys is listening to the radio in Russia:
“Very bad weather this week, very cold minus 50° C in Siberia.”
He thinks at his friend living in Siberia so he decide to call him.
Ritys:” Hi Dimitri how are you?”
Dimitri: “ I’m quite fine and you?”
Ritys: “ I’m fine too, but what about the bad weather forecasts? The radio says you have minus 50° C!!”
Dimitri: “ No there must be a mistake, here is only minus 35°C”
Ritys: “ No Dimitri check out the thermometer, the radio says you have minus 50°C”
Dimitri: “ Don’t worry Ritys, I’ve checked, here is only minus 35°C, maybe outside is minus 50°C” :blink:

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#46 2003-11-06 00:58:11

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

Speaking of parrots...

A guy walks into the pet shop. He says, "I want to buy that parrot. Does he talk?"

"His name is Chet and no he does not talk but he sings Christmas carols" was the reply.

So the guy buys the parrot , takes him home and tries to get him to sing.

Nothing he did could coax the bird to sing. Fianlly in exasperation the guy grabs the parrot and holds him over the fireplace and says "sing dammit!"

Instantly the bird broke into song...Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...

yikes  lol

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#47 2003-12-29 04:53:07

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A stranger walks into an old west saloon and orders a drink. The barkeeper, a large muscular man, serves the stranger a shot of his best house whiskey. Then suddenly a man from the street runs up to the saloon doors and yells "Big John's a coming; Big John's a coming"! With that the saloon clears out like rats fleeing a sinking ship. The only ones left were the stranger and the barkeeper. Then out in the now empty street there was a awful noise unlike anything the stranger had ever heard before. Up rode a gaint of a man covered in animal skins from head to foot. He was standing astride two grizzly bear that were bridled like horses. The man hopped down and lashed the bears to the hitching post and walked into the saloon tearing the swinging doors down as he entered. His whip, the largest Rattlesnake anyone had ever seen, he laid on a table near the bar as he passed. It coiled up and began to rattle and hiss loudly. The man then stepped up to the bar slamming his hand down splintering the bar where he struck. "Give me a bottle of your best and be quick about it!" In fear the barkeeper gave him the best bottle of whiskey he had. The man then bit the neck off the bottle and swallowed its contents in one gulp, glass and all. Then he shattered the bottle with his grip and turned toward the door. The barkeeper his face pale, his eyes wide from fear, asked the man as he was reaching for his snake if he wanted another bottle. The man continued toward the door then turned briefly and said; " Got no time, Big John's a coming!"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#48 2004-01-07 18:57:00

Taz
Member
From: Berkshire UK
Registered: 2003-11-20
Posts: 39
Website

Re: Jokes

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on Christmas Eve and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own airfares."

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#49 2004-01-09 20:49:05

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

I was in a restraurant. I called the waitress over and said; "This coffee isn't fit for a pig." She said; "Oh, I'll take it away and bring you some that is." yikes  lol


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#50 2004-01-18 05:38:54

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A man is laying on his death bed with his wife by his side holding his hand tenderly. He tries to talk but she stops him and tells him to rest. He again tries to speak and she starts to tell him again to rest, but this time he insists on speaking; "Honey, before I die I feel it only fair to tell you, since you are bound to find out anyway, that I had an affair with your sister." Still holding his hand tenderly she says nothing. He continues; " Honey, I also had an affair with your best friend." Still she says nothing. Finally he says;"Before we were married I even slept with your mother one night while you were out of town." Then she leans over and kisses him on the forehead and whispers in his ear; "Yes dear, I know. That's why I poisoned you!


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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