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#1 2003-08-03 02:11:27

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Jokes

I do hope everyone will use your own judgement here. If you've heard a joke new or old and it made you laugh, pass it on. We can all use a good laugh. Hear is your chance to showcase your sense of humor.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#2 2003-08-04 14:28:32

Lyne
Member
From: Nor Cal
Registered: 2003-07-28
Posts: 26
Website

Re: Jokes

Good Hand
roll
The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he peed in the toilet. Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."


¸..·´¨¨))
   ¸.·´  .·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ..·´  . -:|:- Lyne -:|:-
       ((¸¸.·´

Northern California

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#3 2003-08-05 13:48:48

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A Texan went to Alaska because he found out that Alaska was bigger. When he got there he went to a local bar and asked all those assembled how he could become an Alaskan. It's not all that difficult said one local. First you have to drink a fifth of Vodka in one swallow, it's our drink of choice here in Alaska. Second you have to kill one of our four types of bears, either a Kodiak, a Brown, a Grizzly or a Polar Bear using just a knife. Third and final thing you have to do is to make mad passionate love to a Eskimo woman. Well said the Texan let's get this show on the road. With that a picked up a bottle of Vodka and downed it with one swallow and out the door he went. It was pasted midnight when the door suddenly flew opened and in staggered what was left of the Texan; bleeding from every imaginable spot, chunks of clothes and skin missing all together. He staggered over to the bar barely able to stand. He pulled his knife from it's scabbard and stabbed into the bar and said, 'now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill !


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#4 2003-08-10 21:46:05

TheSpatulaOfLove
Member
Registered: 2003-07-20
Posts: 9

Re: Jokes

What do you call a sponge with static?

A shock absorber!

*rimshot*


-=-
Spreadin' the love, and layin' it on THICK since 1973!

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#5 2003-08-14 02:46:46

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A woman is  enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day. Oh, no! I have to rush home home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time. When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise her husband really enjoys his dinner. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any time. Needless to say,every golf day from then on,she made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.  "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.  Two months later, her husband died.  The women were sitting around when one of them said, "YOU killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.  He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#6 2003-08-15 01:15:37

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

The Seven Dwarfs went to Rome and got an audience with the Pope. They were all standing around talking with the Pope all except Dopey. The whole time he maintained eye contact and never once glanced away. So the Pope asked him, "Is something bothering you my son." "Yes there there is," said Dopey. "Do you have any nuns in Rome that are dwarfs?" " No " said the Pope. "Do you have any nuns in Italy that are dwarfs?" "No my son not in Italy or the whole of Europe for that matter." "Do you have any nuns anywhere that are dwarfs?" "No my son there are no nuns that are dwarfs in the whole of the Catholic Church." With that the other dwarfs started laughing hysterically and chanting. "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#7 2003-08-15 19:42:10

carp
Tall
From: kansas
Registered: 2003-03-22
Posts: 53
Website

Re: Jokes

A little girl wearing her sunday dress is running down the sidewalk as fast as she can go.

She's saying please don't let me be late, please don't let me be late, please don't let me be late.

Then all the sudden she falls and get all dirty, She jumps dusts her self off and starts running again.

She's saying please don't let me be late, please don't let me be late, and

GOD PLEASE DON'T KNOCK ME DOWN AGAIN.


LIES DON'T HURT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!

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#8 2003-08-20 04:41:50

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A young boy got home from school early one day and noticed that his mother's bedroom door was closed, so he knocked. "What do you want" was the surpised sounding reply. "Let me in" said the little boy. Well suddenly he heard alot of commotion, so he peaked through the key hole. He saw a naked butt darting into the closet, so when his mother opened the door he raced right passed her an into the closet. "Sure is dark in here, do you want to buy a baseball glove" said the boy. "How much"  came the reply from a deep male voice. "Two hundred dollars" said the boy. "No baseball glove is worth that" said the man. "Well it is unless you want my father to find out about you" said the boy. The man agreed and was soon on his way. That Sunday during church when the offering plate came by the boy put a ten dollar bill in the plate. When his father saw this he jerked the boy up from his seat and said, "you've been stealing haven't you" then took him to the confessional put him in and closed the curtain. "Sure is dark in here" the boy said. "Don't start that crap again" said the priest


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#9 2003-08-20 14:33:55

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering about who this person was and why he had deer horns.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#10 2003-08-21 11:36:34

David68
Guest

Re: Jokes

B)

 

#11 2003-08-23 20:36:31

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.  After a rather lengthy lecture, the Trooper got around to writing out the ticket.  While he was writing he kept stopping to swat at the flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said; "Have some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The Trooper stopped writing and said, " Well yeah, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer says,"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."
The Trooper says" Oh" and gets back to writing, then stops and says," Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for the law and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well that's a good thing" said the trooper.
After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#12 2003-08-28 13:04:10

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men.  It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch:  As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1:  These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman reads the sign:  "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:
Floor 2:  These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3:  These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting.  BUT, there must be more further up!"

And, again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor, the sign reads:
Floor 4:  These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me!  But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?"

So, up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that floor says:

Floor 5:  This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#13 2003-08-29 16:43:47

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

I was walking with a friend of mine, who, shall we say is not the sharpest tool in the shed. When I said; "look there's a dead bird." He looked up roll


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#14 2003-09-02 20:04:26

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

St. Peter was expaining to a new arrival that, in Heaven, when everyone is born, they are given a Sin Clock which measures their sins in minutes.

"Here is Mother Teresa's clock.  In all her life, the hands barely moved."

"George Washington's clock only marked the passage of a few hours."

"Abraham Lincoln's clock did likewise."

"Most politician's clocks, throughout history, have racked up quite a number of hours, some days and weeks, a few even years."

"How about President Clinton's clock?", the new arrival asked.

"Funny you should ask about his clock," said St. Peter.  "I have it in my office, I use it as a fan."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#15 2003-09-02 20:13:21

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A WOMAN'S PRAYER

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom, to understand my man.

I pray for Love, to forgive him.

I pray for Patience, for his moods.

Because Lord if I prayed for strength

I'll beat him to death.

Amen


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#16 2003-09-03 03:13:21

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were driving along when suddenly they struck a pig that ran out in the road. It died instantly. Saddam told his driver to go to the near by farm and tell the pigs owner what had happened.

Over an hour passed before Saddam saw his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes were all wrinkled and half off. He had a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of cigars in the other.

What happened to you Saddam asked? "Well, the farmer gave me this box of cigars, his wife gave me this bottle of wine, and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me for nearly an hour" said the chauffeur.

"My word ! What did you tell them" asked Saddam? The driver responded: "I said, Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's personal chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#17 2003-09-03 22:04:39

Xena 2000
Quite Tall
From: wherever it was you last left
Registered: 2003-07-04
Posts: 458
Website

Re: Jokes

ROFLMAO
Shaz, Bob you should be in Vegas!


[size=9][font=papyrus]I can't decide if life is passing me by, or trying to run me down ...[/font][/size]

http://www.sloganizer.net/en/image,Xena-spc-2000,white,pink.png

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#18 2003-09-03 23:12:24

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

A man is walking on the beach when he happens upon a bottle that has washed upon the shore. He opens the bottle and a great cloud pours out revealing a genie. yikes

The genie tells the man that in gratitude for being released from his prison, he will grant him three wishes. There is a catch, though. The genie is ornery and he knows that the man hates his mother-in-law. So, the genie says that whatever the man wishes for will also be given to his mother-in-law twofold.

For his first wish, the man asks for a new house on the beach. POOF! A new house instantly appears and next to it is another house twice as large...for his mother-in-law! <_<

For his second wish, the man asks for a new car. POOF! There is a new car in the driveway of his new house. There is also two new cars in the driveway of his mother-in-law's house. :angry:

For his third wish, the man thinks long and hard. Finally he says, "I've got it! Beat me half to death!" lol

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#19 2003-09-04 23:44:59

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

Three women are walking on the beach when they happen upon a bottle washed upon the shore. When they open it, a cloud of smoke pours out and a genie is revealed.  yikes

The genie tells the women that in gratitude for being released from his prison, he will grant them each one wish.   smile

For her wish, the blonde says, "that's easy, make me the smartest woman in the world." POOF! The genie granted her wish and she was instantly the smartest woman in the world.   roll

For her wish, the brunette said, "make me twice as smart as her." POOF! Her wish was instantly granted and she was twice as smart as the blonde.   <_<

For her wish, the redhead said, "make me twice as smart as both of them put together." POOF! The genie granted her wish and she was instantly transformed into a man!   B)

Archer...I mean Anonymous   :blink:


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#20 2003-09-05 15:36:43

Ant
Member
From: Italy
Registered: 2003-08-22
Posts: 26
Height: 6'3"

Re: Jokes

A man and a woman 60 years old, are celebrating their 25° anniversary of wedding.
Suddenly a fairy appears and says: Here my present for your fidelity, a wish for each one.
The woman thinks a bit then asks: I want 2 tickets for a cruise all around the world one year long, and instantaneously the 2 tickets appear.
The man answers quickly and asks: I want a wife 30 years younger than me and instantaneously the man becomes 90 years old.

Remember: the men are bastards but fairy are women! wink

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#21 2003-09-05 22:16:17

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

A madame sells her brothel and retires quite wealthy, with but one wish in mind: That is to find a man her age that is still a virgin, to marry and live out her remaining years in comfort.  She sets out to find a sixty year old virgin by placing ads in newspapers around the world. Finally after months she receives a reply from a man from the outback of Australia. They correspond with one another and he agrees to marry her. On their wedding night, she retires to the bathroom of their honeymoon suite to get ready for the big night. She emerges only to find that he has piled up every stick of furniture in the room into one corner of the suite. "What in the hell have you done" she asked?  "Well," he replies, "It's true I've never been with a woman before, but if it's anything like being with a Kangaroo we're going to need all the space we can get."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#22 2003-09-05 22:31:49

Archer
Moderator
From: Illinois, USA
Registered: 2003-08-24
Posts: 4,407
Height: 6' 5"
Website

Re: Jokes

Charlie ran into his old friend Jack on the street. Charlie says, "I heard your third wife just died. I'm very sorry. What happened to her?" Jack said, "mushroom poisoning." "Oh gee, that's tough", said Charlie.   sad

"How did your second wife die?" asked Jack. "Mushroom poisoning", replied Charlie. "Wow, that's terrible", exclaimed Jack.   :huh:

"What about your first wife?" Jack tentatively inquired. "Fractured skull" Charlie stated. "No kidding? How did this happen?" asked Jack.   <_<

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms!"    yikes

Archer


http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m319/archerev/Links/Stickman2-1.jpg

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#23 2003-09-21 18:55:22

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

I went to a new doctor recently as my doctor of many years had retired. The first thing my new doctor said was, " This visit will be twenty five dollars in advance." I paid him and then told him I was having a terrible time with my short term memory. He said, "This visit will be be twenty five dollars in advance."


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#24 2003-09-22 15:00:48

"Bad News" Bob
Moderator
From: Lexington, NC
Registered: 2003-03-05
Posts: 5,019
Height: 192.25cm

Re: Jokes

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happen to you" asked Sean, the bartender?

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That in sh-t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you; he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," says Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"


The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

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#25 2003-09-25 16:03:28

ToffeeChip
Tall
From: Cheyenne Wells, CO
Registered: 2003-09-24
Posts: 138
Height: 6 ft 6
Website

Re: Jokes

I didnt write this story. Just so you know.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves. I laughed. They punched me. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Stupid cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them.

I like monkeys.

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